I’m trying to soak up as many of these beautiful days as I can. S is clipping the hedge while I lay here on a lawn chair updating the blog. The pup is roaming around sniffing the freshly cut grass and mom is brewing be a fresh cup of decaf. These moments make me realize just how far we’ve come and how much further we have to go.
I’m catching myself calculating a lot lately. Sometimes I calculate the number of days until viability and others the number of days until cerclage placement. This entire pregnancy seems to be a numbers game. X amount of days until this baby is viable on the outside… x number of days of bed rest … x number of days until our due date. It gets so overwhelming at times.
I know I should be enjoying every moment instead of focusing on these milestones. Yet, I can’t help but calculate and calculate and calculate. A second tri loss like we had is so rare, the chances of it happening again are going to be significantly reduced by the security the cerclage provides yet I can’t help but look ahead and wish we could just fast forward through the uncertainty that is weeks 15-20.
Pregnancy after loss is so hard. I guess I partly want to believe that I should feel more secure despite my past. But, as the days pass and we inch closer and closer to the second trimester I realize that these feelings, this anxiety, this constant worry wont ever go away. I can’t change the cards we’ve been handed. I can’t erase the past – I can only look forward with hope and have faith that we’re doing everything we possibly can to get this baby here safe.